Sassy Sober Survivor

I love to have fun. I’m always goofing around, making dad jokes and bopping all over the place. It’s my nature to be this way. I enjoy smiling, laughing, mispronouncing words (on purpose) and making up songs. I like to imagine, experience and just be a kid.  I’m not like this all the time. I have serious moments, I get anxious and stressed about the small stuff and the big stuff. I pay my bills on time and get my oil changed etc. I am responsible AND the biggest kid in the class.  I’m the oldest of 2, 36 years old, I don’t have any children and there are no young kids in my immediate family. I am happy to fill the role of Kid in my family.  I chase my 30 yo sis in circles around the house. I’m annoying yet helpful(? LOL ?) to my parents. I like to hold hands with my Mom and ask her questions about her life before she was married. I yell dumb phrases, make up stories and E N J O Y life, just like a kid does.  When I see something cool or interesting I pause

When I was in active addiction I was a master at making decisions. Or so I thought.  All I had to do was think of ME and the choice was made. I concocted a plan where I did the least amount of work, benefited the most and was the clear winner.  It’s the way of an addict/alcoholic. Now in sobriety I think ALL. THE. TIME.  It’s overthinking really. Is this the right choice, should I do this, should I do that, what if it's the wrong color, what will ppl think, what do I think, am I hungry, what if I’m just hungry and I don't even want this thing/person/situation?   It’s truly mind boggling.  The thing is, our brains are constantly making choices all day long.  It’s what we do. Weigh the pros and cons in an instant and make the choice.  Some choices are harder than others and sometimes I make things harder than THEY NEED TO BE. I cant get out of my own fucking way sometimes.  I overthink and all of a sudden fear starts to creep in.  My mind wanders down dange

My birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year. I’m supposed to be happy. I’m working less and gaining more fulfilling experiences. I’m pursuing my passions, spending time with the people that I love and feeling my feelings.  So why the fuck am I crying?!? I’m thinking of all the things I don’t have. I’m comparing my insides to the highlight reel that is Facebook & IG.  I’m wishing for more and feeling ungrateful for where I’m at.  I am usually so busy around my birthday and the holidays that I’m unable to feel my real feelings. This year is different. I have time to feel and it’s uncomfortable. I filled up on food and sugar and coffee and I didn’t feel better. Then I started trolling the dating sites hard looking for a one night stand. That will make me feel better...right?!?  The Universe saved me from myself and didn’t provide with empty, ungratifying and ultimately self sabotaging sex.  This is shitty! And I’m mad, so mad that I’m crying. I want more, wish

I have always wanted to be a mother as far back as I can remember.  I had Cabbage Patch Kids that I dragged all over the place, baby dolls, Barbies and the like.  I wanted to play house and of course, I’ll be the Mommy. It was never a thought in my mind that I wouldn’t have a family of my own. When I turned 30 I really felt my internal clock for the first time.  It was like a switch was flipped and all of a sudden I felt the pressure of time.   Baby Fever began.  I was talking to my partner at the time about how having kids was important to me etc and that was ultimately a big part of us parting ways.  Since that relationship I haven’t had a long term partner. Add in all my health stuff over the past few years and the thought of kids was put on the back burner. I haven’t forgotten about my want for a family though.  I pretty much think about it every day. I am about to turn 36 tomorrow and I am single, no children and my wish of having a home and a few kids around

    Being a part of a group of women is wicked important.  As you know I talk about my friends alllllll the time and like I talked about in my last post, being in a true unconditional friendship is new to me.  But what I know is that being open to expand that group and/or seek knowledge outside my inner circle is just as crucial.    I was gifted an opportunity to attend the Samhain Session of Weekend Witch School.  I am so grateful and the Universe provided me with this gift when I needed a boost. To be surrounded by Witches in all different parts of their journeys was super powerful.  I was immersed in the language of attraction, deep ancestral teachings, open mindedness and friendship.  There was time to make new connections and to also tend friendships that I made a few years ago.     I have been on many 12 step retreats so I was primed for sitting and note taking with breaks in between.  This retreat was like that but much more relaxed and loose. Chatting with

cov·en /ˈkəvən/ noun noun: coven; plural noun: covens a group or gathering of witches who meet regularly. It has been exactley 1 year since we got permanent symbols of our Coven.  Having a safe place to share, grow, fall, stand tall and be supported is essential for women.  I am compelled to share with you what this looks and feels like.     This is my ode to our Coven   •We celebrate together.   We lift each other up and celebrate our triumphs. When they succeed, I succeed. When one of us has good news we ALL have good news. It’s in our separate success we move forward, and celebrate together.  •We support each other.  When one of us flounders the others are there to keep her above water. When things go awry, as it does on occasion, I KNOW my sisters will be there for me, just as I am there for them. Day or night, by phone or in person we support each other.  •We are committed to each other.  We have made a conscious choice to devote our time,

      friend [ frend ] / frɛnd noun 1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. 2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter . 3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile I have always had friends. Girls and guys to chat on the phone, gossip to, make plans to go out...regular friends, feel good friends.   But I’ve never had friends like I do now.  The friends I have now protect me and treat me like a sister. They hold me to a higher standard. They push me to be better. They call me out, they teach me and they want me to be the best I can be. I’m used to being supportive but I struggle to accept help and support when it’s offered.  Now that I am supported I feel safe enough to be authentic.  And being authentic means that I am not always at my best, rational and selfless self.  I can feel good with just about anyone but I need to L O V E you to show you th

Aunt Flow.  On the rag.  Surf the crimson tide.  On my period.  That time of the month...these are some ways that the world talks about menstruation. Like it is a biiiiiig secret. There is so much shame and embarrassment  surrounding menstruation that there are hundreds of terms to describe this human bodily function. Its talked about in hushed voices behind closed doors. Men AND *some* women think it’s gross, dirty, disgusting even. ‍ We bleed! That’s it!! No big deal right?  WRONG!! It’s some of the most intense beautiful magic that happens and I get to experience it EVERY MONTH! Wow. Just fucking wow.  My body is built to sustain Another Life.  When that purpose goes unfulfilled-  the nourishment, the memories of my ancestors, my DNA at the cellular level exits my body as blood. How couldn’t this be magical? Besides all the silly terms I first mentioned there are other ways to refer to menstruation.  Entering the red tent, my moon time, sacr

    I have been spending a shit ton of time online lately. Now that I am self employed I have more me-time, a luxury and privilege that I acknowledge and don’t take for granted.  I write, I rest and I DO the things that bring me joy but the pull of social media is wicked strong. I open my eyes each morning and right away reach for my phone to check my media. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and the like. Plus my emails and my blog. Sometimes I end up scrolling for over an hour before I even get out of bed! It’s absurd and time consuming.    T I M E  is important to me. How, who and where I spend it and what I do for my self care are high on my priority list.    So why am I giving up so much of it mindlessly scrolling?!? Well, I have the excuse that I advertise my business online. Aaaaaand my blog is online. I streamlined my timelines to show me only my close friends and people that inspire me. But still I end up scrolling...scrolling...scrolling and fucking around.  The