This is 36

My birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year. I’m supposed to be happy. I’m working less and gaining more fulfilling experiences. I’m pursuing my passions, spending time with the people that I love and feeling my feelings. 

So why the fuck am I crying?!?

I’m thinking of all the things I don’t have. I’m comparing my insides to the highlight reel that is Facebook & IG. I’m wishing for more and feeling ungrateful for where I’m at. 

I am usually so busy around my birthday and the holidays that I’m unable to feel my real feelings. This year is different. I have time to feel and it’s uncomfortable. I filled up on food and sugar and coffee and I didn’t feel better. Then I started trolling the dating sites hard looking for a one night stand. That will make me feel better...right?!?  The Universe saved me from myself and didn’t provide with empty, ungratifying and ultimately self sabotaging sex. 

This is shitty! And I’m mad, so mad that I’m crying. I want more, wish for more but can’t easily see the path there. I’m always looking at the sunny side of things but I can't see the sun today. I need to sit with myself and really take a close look at where it comes from. 

-I’m 36 and I hate that I’m another year older. That is mostly related to my fears surrounding fertility. 

-I’m embarking on a new career in massage therapy and I’m afraid I won’t be good enough. A recurring theme in my life. 

-I feel claustrophobic in my living space. 

-I’m in a precarious financial situation and that makes me afraid that I won’t have enough. Another recurring theme in my life. 

-I’m feeling the hole in my soul hard today. 

Sometimes sadness and fear come in. My therapist says to acknowledge the feelings then list the reasons why I am okay. Not manically try and convince myself like I have in the past. Here goes…

Hi fear, anxiety and sadness. Thanks for showing up, I feel you loud and clear. I know you’re here for a reason but your delivery isn’t working for me. I am safe, I am okay and here are the reasons why:

•I’m safe, I have a place to live and food to eat. 

•My new employer believes in my skills enough to offer me a job and I have done the work to become a professional in my field. 

•I have money to pay my bills and take care of myself. Money is on the way it comes to me easily and frequently. 

•My living situation isn’t permanent and I am grateful to have my family to lean on in times of need. 

•I am in good health, my dr told me so! 

Not every day is sunshine, smiles and rainbows. 

The only way to the other side is T H R O U G H. 

This is what 36 looks like, just for today.