Sassy Sober Survivor

I was driving to a work thing today & listening to a podcast.  This man, a PhD in Archaeology, was speaking about his work documenting the journeys of migrants to the USA.  He gave the estimated number of people that die in the Sonoran Desert in Arizona trying desperately to leave Mexico and enter the US. I was overcome with shock, grief and despair. This big wide world we live in is a terrible place sometimes.  Innocent people die, the sick cannot get help, the hungry continue to go hungry and the rich keep getting richer. I started crying as I drove but quickly sucked it up and carried on. I was on my way to work and I didnt want to carry this low vibration energy into a massage event. This idea that the world is huge, scary and unforgiving crept in and out as the day went on.  But who wants to think of their neighborhood, city, state and country this way?? Certainly not me.  Yet, I do know frightening things happen all the time. I just cannot...

I find myself using the words “good” and “bad” ALL THE TIME.  I especially struggle with pinpointing how I feel in the moment, so I reach for simple words.  I’m a writer, JFC, shouldn’t I be able to articulate my feelings or a situation with a plethora of words?!?!?  See, I just used a cool word, plethora.  In retrospect I am able to describe accurately and with lots of pizzaz.  I am working, in therapy and home practice, at processing my feelings and situations closer to the actual time of event.  I have spent much of my life powering through painful, difficult and even joyous occasions. My goal was to get through it instead of experiencing it.  I think that is one of the reasons it is so challenging for me to express how I feel, because I wasn’t living it when it happened.  I am committed to living here and now, yet I still grasp for the right words. My brain sees a lot of the world in “black-white-good-bad” etc.  It is difficult...

2019 was a wild year of death and rebirth in my life.  I released many old stifling beliefs and embraced abundance.   I quit my full time job, graduated massage school, moved off Cape back into my parents house, took a few months off to decompress, started therapy and took a part time job as a licensed massage therapist. WHEW!  I am still processing and integrating all the changes.  As I sit here on January 1st, I want to share with you some of the intentions I have set for powerful 2020. -Less is more When I believe in my worth, insist on receiving the true value of my skills and let things F L O W, overworking is not necessary.  It is possible to do less and receive more. -Patience I am patient, calm and grateful for the journey and the ultimate outcome. Instant gratification feels nice in the moment but it’s gone in a flash. 2020 is a time of patient energy.  I do not have to push, pull or manipulate.   -P...

I love to have fun. I’m always goofing around, making dad jokes and bopping all over the place. It’s my nature to be this way. I enjoy smiling, laughing, mispronouncing words (on purpose) and making up songs. I like to imagine, experience and just be a kid.  I’m not like this all the time. I have serious moments, I get anxious and stressed about the small stuff and the big stuff. I pay my bills on time and get my oil changed etc. I am responsible AND the biggest kid in the class.  I’m the oldest of 2, 36 years old, I don’t have any children and there are no young kids in my immediate family. I am happy to fill the role of Kid in my family.  I chase my 30 yo sis in circles around the house. I’m annoying yet helpful(? LOL ?) to my parents. I like to hold hands with my Mom and ask her questions about her life before she was married. I yell dumb phrases, make up stories and E N J O Y life, just like a kid does.  When I see something cool or i...

When I was in active addiction I was a master at making decisions. Or so I thought.  All I had to do was think of ME and the choice was made. I concocted a plan where I did the least amount of work, benefited the most and was the clear winner.  It’s the way of an addict/alcoholic. Now in sobriety I think ALL. THE. TIME.  It’s overthinking really. Is this the right choice, should I do this, should I do that, what if it's the wrong color, what will ppl think, what do I think, am I hungry, what if I’m just hungry and I don't even want this thing/person/situation?   It’s truly mind boggling.  The thing is, our brains are constantly making choices all day long.  It’s what we do. Weigh the pros and cons in an instant and make the choice.  Some choices are harder than others and sometimes I make things harder than THEY NEED TO BE. I cant get out of my own fucking way sometimes.  I overthink and all of a sudden fear starts to c...

My birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year. I’m supposed to be happy. I’m working less and gaining more fulfilling experiences. I’m pursuing my passions, spending time with the people that I love and feeling my feelings.  So why the fuck am I crying?!? I’m thinking of all the things I don’t have. I’m comparing my insides to the highlight reel that is Facebook & IG.  I’m wishing for more and feeling ungrateful for where I’m at.  I am usually so busy around my birthday and the holidays that I’m unable to feel my real feelings. This year is different. I have time to feel and it’s uncomfortable. I filled up on food and sugar and coffee and I didn’t feel better. Then I started trolling the dating sites hard looking for a one night stand. That will make me feel better...right?!?  The Universe saved me from myself and didn’t provide with empty, ungratifying and ultimately self sabotaging sex.  This is shitty! And I’m mad, so mad that I’m cr...

I have always wanted to be a mother as far back as I can remember.  I had Cabbage Patch Kids that I dragged all over the place, baby dolls, Barbies and the like.  I wanted to play house and of course, I’ll be the Mommy. It was never a thought in my mind that I wouldn’t have a family of my own. When I turned 30 I really felt my internal clock for the first time.  It was like a switch was flipped and all of a sudden I felt the pressure of time.   Baby Fever began.  I was talking to my partner at the time about how having kids was important to me etc and that was ultimately a big part of us parting ways.  Since that relationship I haven’t had a long term partner. Add in all my health stuff over the past few years and the thought of kids was put on the back burner. I haven’t forgotten about my want for a family though.  I pretty much think about it every day. I am about to turn 36 tomorrow and I am single, no children and my wish ...