Sassy Sober Survivor

(written 8/20/19)  Last night I watched my friend give birth to her 10 pound baby.  At her house…in a pool…in her  bedroom…naturally.  It was the most profound and powerful thing I have ever witnessed in my  entire life. Just for a little background… Corrine and I are relatively new friends.  We met through our mutual friend Angelina in 2016.  And that was just through Facebook.  I didn’t even meet her face to face until December of that  year.  When I was having a spiritual experience, supernatural is a more accurate description, Angie referred me to Corrine.  So I, as a practical stranger, called her and told her all about it.  She took it in stride, listened and offered support.  She held space for me and my experience.  She didn’t make me feel weird or crazy; she validated my feelings and made me feel safe. I’m forever grateful she was willing to talk to me, love me from a dis...

      In my life I have learned that “more is more”. If I want more money, I go get another job and work harder. If I want to take a trip I workworkwork to make money, save up my paid time off at my job and when I’m finally away and relaxing I spend most of the time dreading going back. Being a home health aide is one of the greatest honors of my life but it’s become routine and I’m resentful that I have to work so much and provide so much for each client on my schedule.    To fill you in a bit more my rent is 62% of my full time income. 62%!!!!!!  That means to make ends meet I had to work a second job. I had 1 day off a week for years. Plus I’m in massage therapy school 4 nights a week for a year.    Workaholism + dislike of my profession + my high tolerance for emotional pain/discomfort = the perfect storm; the perfect storm of fear, resentment, exhaustion and dis-ease. Racing thoughts, restless nights and disconnect became ...

res·o·lu·tion /ˌrezəˈlo͞oSH(ə)n/ Noun noun: resolution; plural noun: resolutions 1. a firm decision to do or not to do something. "she kept her resolution not to see Anne anymore" synonyms: intention, resolve, decision, intent, aim, plan;       Welcome to January 2019.  Our news feeds and emails are inundated with New Year resolution lists, diet advertisements and gym promotions.  This is the time of year that I personally make a list of things that I MUST CHANGE . My body, my weight, my habits, my lifestyle…  Usually with a loose action plan that gets abandoned after a few weeks of minimal effort.   Television, social media, magazines etc. tell me that I’m not good enough as I am, that I need to change many behaviors to fit into an ideal body/job/life.  The repetitive images and words tell me that I can’t possibly be happy with how the last 35 years have gone so it’s ESSENTIAL to radically modify many thi...

All my life I have disliked frogs.   Their creepy eyes, long legs, croaking and freaky jumping ability; everything about them skeeves me out!   I literally shutter when I see a picture of one or a living frog.   I will avoid frogs pretty much at all costs.   For example, I used to night swim with a bunch of people at the local pond…until I saw a frog hopping around on the sand.   That was 8 years ago and I haven’t gone swimming there again.       I always thought that it was a bad omen when a frog was put in my path because of my personal aversion to them but frogs in general are cool creatures.   They start their lives living and breathing underwater.   As they grow they transform into air breathing animals that live in between land and water. It’s practically magic.   The spiritual meanings of frogs are interesting also.     Frogs represent:   ·          Transf...

    When I was growing up I didn’t think my family was weird.  My parents watched Star Trek. They listened to Rock-a-billy, James Brown, The Jackson 5 and Cajun zeideco music. (weird) I was encouraged to read, dance, have fun and be independent.  As a young family we would go on short road trips just to drive around. Mom and Dad would listen to “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me” or “Click & Clack” on NPR then let me and April listen to the Disney hour while eating ice cream in the back seat of our Aerostar minivan.  Our adventures were great. They were memorable. We were and still are unique.  It wasn’t until I was hanging out with other kids and their families when I discovered we were weird. All the things we did, together, became embarrassing. I wanted to be like everyone else. Boring, predictable and stale.    But we were/are not boring...   Dad works the midnight shift and Mom wor...

I don’t remember having a full length mirror growing up, so I don’t remember ever looking at my whole body head to toes.  I was never the “normal” size for my age group. Ever.  As a kid my mom bought me clothes in the adult section.  I can recall in 6th grade my Mom buying me a floral print turtle neck at KMart. I liked it. It was cute. One day I walked into class and my teacher was wearing the EXACT SAME TURTLENECK. Probably in a smaller size. I was mortified.  I was so big as a young child Mom had to buy me sweat pants because that’s all that would fit my young plump body.  I have never been thin. I have always shopped in the plus size section. I always want to look “appropriate for my size”. I don’t want to “look fat”.  Here’s the rub... I AM FAT .  I HAVE A FAT BODY.   It’s no secret. Anyone that looks at me, or a person like me, they can see I have fat all over. There is n...