The Leap

 

 

 

In my life I have learned that “more is more”. If I want more money, I go get another job and work harder. If I want to take a trip I workworkwork to make money, save up my paid time off at my job and when I’m finally away and relaxing I spend most of the time dreading going back. Being a home health aide is one of the greatest honors of my life but it’s become routine and I’m resentful that I have to work so much and provide so much for each client on my schedule. 

 

To fill you in a bit more my rent is 62% of my full time income. 62%!!!!!!  That means to make ends meet I had to work a second job. I had 1 day off a week for years. Plus I’m in massage therapy school 4 nights a week for a year. 

 

Workaholism + dislike of my profession + my high tolerance for emotional pain/discomfort = the perfect storm; the perfect storm of fear, resentment, exhaustion and dis-ease. Racing thoughts, restless nights and disconnect became my companions. But everyone feels like this...right?  I should be grateful...even though I’m miserable...right?  What can I do? ...just keep going...RIGHT?!?!?

 

I’ve been living this way for many years. The constant race to have enough, no real reprieve and neglecting my well being caused me to hit an emotional bottom. I didn’t want to die but I couldn’t keep up the pace. I didn’t want to drink but I needed help and couldn’t ask for it!! So I did what any good alcoholic would do...I isolated myself in my basement apartment, called out sick to work, refused to answer my phone or engage in the group chat and marinated on my unhappy shitty little life.

 

I was obsessed with running my finances over and over trying to find a few more dollars in my budget...I was thinking about asking for a raise...maybe I can work a few more evenings when I’m done with school...it’s not enough...it’s not enough...it’s not enough...

 

I was having dark thoughts. Maybe if I hurt myself I can get some help, or get a break in a hospital. Maybe if I crash my car into a tree someone will know how much anxiety I have inside. Maybe if I drink I’ll be able to tell someone how I really feel. 

 

I cried on the phone to Angie and told her everything that was in my head. “I’m not crazy! I don’t want to be medicated” I exclaimed over and over. Thank Goddess that she is in my life because I was able to take a breath and listen. Pack a bag and go to my Moms house. 

 

My sister was waiting for me and I just broke down. I can’t keep living like this. I have been through so much and I didn’t get through it be a slave to the almighty dollar.   I cried and cried and was fearful that my family would but me in a mental institution. 

 

Here’s the thing...

I’m not crazy. I awakened to the fact that I’m unfulfilled. My job as an aide does not light me up or bring me joy. It used to but not anymore. Just because I’m qualified, good at giving care and it provides health insurance does not mean that it’s the right profession for me. 

 

“Rock bottom is a good place to build a firm foundation” Angie said that to me repeatedly and hey, I’m at an emotional bottom so there’s nowhere to go but up.  She listened, offered suggestions and solutions. Corrine held space for me, didn’t try to “fix” my problems and let me work through my feelings. My family held me as I cried, wailed and let it all rush out, judgement free. I was surrounded by love. 

 

After talking it out and deep thought I gave my 2 week notice, gave my landlord notice, cashed in my small retirement fund and I’m moving in with my parents for a few months. I finish school September 19. It seems like a rash decision, you may even think it’s a bad decision. But I don’t care what you think. I never want to feel that despair or hollowness inside me again. That feeling came from plowing through cancer and not dealing with the fallout. That feeling came from years of going through the motions, turning away from my intuition and making decisions based on fear instead of faith. 

 

I am following my passion for writing.  I have been called to write a book since I was a kid but I have pushed it away and put it on the back burner. On top of writing I love to help others feel their best through healing touch by massage therapy.  It’s a new venture for me and I’m excited to do something new that lights the fire of my passion.  I want to live in the solution, follow my souls calling and change the world. No big deal! We are all meant to live like that and my time is NOW. 

 

The Universe made me uncomfortable many many many times and I shifted just enough to mask the pain. She had to make me UNCOMFORTABLE to wake me up and get me to make changes like this. I have never been happier or felt freer. I am frightened AF but I’m firm in knowing that this is right for me. 

 

I am unlearning this lifestyle of “more is more”.  I can attract more with less effort, less work and genuine faith.  Faith in that pouring myself into my passion will bring me to where I’m meant to be, where I am able to do the highest good for myself and others.  My life was written in the stars before I was born and it is time to fulfill my soul contracts.

 

 

 

 

I took the leap and the Universe will catch me.

I know it, I feel it and nothing can shake me now.