Sassy Sober Survivor

Last Tuesday I attended the funeral of my uncle, Rupert Wilmoth. He leaves behind a beautiful son to carry on his memory and the Wilmoth name. Since I've been sober I have been to 3 family member funerals. There have also been a number of people that I have met and loved in the 12 step program that have died. I am also a home health aide which means I care for the elderly. I care for all different kinds of people and because of the line of work I'm in my clients are old and sickly. Some of my most favorite people in the world I have met through my job and they have passed away. During the year at one point or another I am in mourning. Be it a family member, a friend or a patient. It is sad but a regular part of my life. I have developed a thick skin and sometimes it takes months for me to fully realize how much death truly effects me. It can be difficult to remain grateful for my wonderful life when the people I love are not here to live it with me. The way I mourn is ...

Photo by Michael Rose Photography Makeup by Angelina Corrado

Picture this... It's 2012, I'm on a first date and every reflective surface I pass I check my hair and my clothes. To my defense I did get my hair done that day and hey, I'm in a first date!! To my date it looks like I am conceited. Fast forward a few months...that man is now my boyfriend and again, I am checking my reflection ALL.THE.TIME. I care about what I look like but I am not the type to constantly admire myself. I cannot remember the exact conversation but the gist was that he thought I was vain because I spent most of our first date looking at myself instead of him. I check my reflection out of PARANOIA not vanity. In my mind I am always thinking about what I look like to others. How's my hair? Are my clothes draping just right to cover my many rolls? Do my accessories look okay? How are my eyebrow?!? I'm insecure. As a fat woman in a skinny world I know I am looked at and judged. I have always tried to "dress for my size" and look classy....

During my alone time I tend to think on the negative side. I list all the things that I have done wrong, where I have made mistakes and how I am not good enough. When I am around others I tend to be positive. I keep my thinking on the bright side, consider all the amazing things I have done and am hopeful about my future. These polar opposites are difficult places to be. When the pendulum swings too far to the negative I feel like I am stuck in a hole that I will never get out if. If I sway too far in the other direction I forget the tough times and spend too much, eat too much etc. because I cannot see where I need improvement. It is difficult to remember the past, keep today in focus but plan for the future…how can I do it all? I strive to find a balance between the two and part of the balance for me is having gratitude. I try to be actively thankful to the people that support me by keeping in touch with them. A phone call or text goes a long way in showing that ...

I have the disease of “more”.   Whatever makes me feel good I want more and more and more of it.   As a child I used food, toys, attention and affection to feel good about myself and as a teen and young adult I used drugs and alcohol.   Now in sobriety I struggle again with food.   I am an eater.   I am a binge eater and compulsive overeater.    I eat when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I don’t feel well, when I’m lonely, I eat in celebration and I eat out of boredom.   I have been this way all my life.   I got sober in 2009 and over 5 years I gained 65 pounds.   I was tired all the time, always trying to radically modify my food intake and failing miserably at controlling my eating.     The only coping skill and comfort I had was eating.   My solution was to get weight loss surgery.   I completed all the requirements and 6 months later in June 2014 I had vertical sleeve gastrectomy.   In 1 year I lo...

Life is a journey full of ups, downs and everything in between.   Most of us have experienced things like    balancing family, having a career, school, financial issues, periodic failures, goal setting and realizing dreams.   For me, sometimes I get such tunnel vision that I stop enjoying the journey of my life and only focus on the goal.   I stop trying new things because I get stuck in the mundane.   As time goes by and things happen and priorities shift and the journey changes.   This has been true for me in the past few years.   I have been stuck.     Getting sober in 2009 helped me take stock in my life at that time.   Drugs and alcohol no longer served me and I was able to put them down with the help of a treatment center and a 12 step program.   Sobriety gave me a foundation to stand on to begin to make good choices.   My cancer diagnosis made me take a closer look at my life.   Am I happy...

     I struggle with having down time.   It’s weird because my greatest wish used to be that someday I would become a lady of leisure.   These days when I have some free time I feel like I should be doing something.   Cleaning, reading, scrolling through Instagram…something!   I live in society where we are always multi-tasking.   Literally right now I’m writing this blog while watching The Force Awakens.   I find it very difficult do one thing at a time.      Right now my body needs rest.   I am still very fatigued and get tired fast.   I cannot go back to the go-go-go lifestyle I had and if I try I will suffer in the long run.   I know this intellectually but inside I feel guilty, like I’m doing something wrong by resting and taking it easy.   I know that I am not the only person that feels this way.   It is strange to be in this internal tug of war, wanting to do more and less at the s...