I have the disease of “more”. Whatever makes me feel good I want more and
more and more of it. As a child I used
food, toys, attention and affection to feel good about myself and as a teen and
young adult I used drugs and alcohol.
Now in sobriety I struggle again with
food. I am an eater. I am a binge eater and compulsive overeater. I eat when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I
don’t feel well, when I’m lonely, I eat in celebration and I eat out of
boredom. I have been this way all my
life. I got sober in 2009 and over 5
years I gained 65 pounds. I was tired
all the time, always trying to radically modify my food intake and failing miserably
at controlling my eating.
The only coping skill and comfort I
had was eating. My solution was to get
weight loss surgery. I completed all the
requirements and 6 months later in June 2014 I had vertical sleeve
gastrectomy. In 1 year I lost 80 pounds
and felt better than ever. Over the
following years I became lax about following my food plan and resistant to help
with my food issues. I gained and lost
the same 10 pounds over and over. The
weight started to creep back on. I still
had no coping skills besides food and bottom line, I didn’t really want to
change…I wanted to be thin.
Thinness was always something beyond
my reach. I was a fat child, a fat teen
and a fat adult. I was unhappy in some
aspects of my life and I always thought if I lose weight then everything will
fall into place. This is FALSE. I know this because even when I was losing
weight things were not perfect. I know
that weight loss, just as sobriety, is an “inside job”.
Since my cancer diagnosis I have
gained 35 pounds. I thought cancer
treatments would make me lose weight but it is not uncommon to gain. I used food as a comfort, a good old
standby. Right now I am uncomfortable in
my skin, my clothes do not fit and I am overall unhappy with how I look. As the side effects of chemo dissipate I am
realizing how much my food choices affect me.
I restrict then binge then feel terrible then the solution is to eat
more to get comfort!! It is a vicious
cycle.
My goal now is to get honest about my
life long affair with food. I have
joined Weight Watchers. I have a simple
food plan I follow every day. I had
started exercising regularly again. I
read a lot about body positivity. I try
and love myself as I am today instead of bashing myself. I am my own worst critic but I am trying to
be gentle to myself. I touch base with
other women who struggle with food also.
I am not alone. I am learning how
to take care of myself in all areas.
The struggle is real but not
insurmountable. I can do this one day at
a time.
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