Sassy Sober Survivor

     I struggle with having down time.   It’s weird because my greatest wish used to be that someday I would become a lady of leisure.   These days when I have some free time I feel like I should be doing something.   Cleaning, reading, scrolling through Instagram…something!   I live in society where we are always multi-tasking.   Literally right now I’m writing this blog while watching The Force Awakens.   I find it very difficult do one thing at a time.      Right now my body needs rest.   I am still very fatigued and get tired fast.   I cannot go back to the go-go-go lifestyle I had and if I try I will suffer in the long run.   I know this intellectually but inside I feel guilty, like I’m doing something wrong by resting and taking it easy.   I know that I am not the only person that feels this way.   It is strange to be in this internal tug of war, wanting to do more and less at the s...

     I am cancer free and officially done with chemotherapy.   I am thrilled that it is over but oddly I feel aimless.   It has been a whirlwind of appointments, information and decisions.    I have powered through the pain, the fatigue and the emotional rollercoaster and now…it’s all over for a while.   I am aiming to have my reconstruction surgery in January 2018.   I need a break from the poking and prodding.      Even though it’s over for a bit, I still hurt.   I have joint and nerve pain.   I have a great deal of discomfort in my chest and my muscles are stiff.   I am uncomfortable in my skin.   I hurt and I’m tired and emotionally exhausted.       I want things to be the way they used to be.   I want to feel fit again.   I’m pissed that my eyebrows are falling out.   I’m sick of having a bald head and people staring at me.   My feet and ...

man·age·a·ble  (măn′ĭ-jə-bəl) adj. Capable of being managed or controlled: manageable problems                 My cancer diagnosis and the following processes happened in manageable pieces.   Every week I was getting new information, so in between news I had time to digest.   An earthquake hit my life on October 4 2016 when I was diagnosed and every piece of news subsequently was like an aftershock; a tremor that rocked me but not as strong as the first big diagnosis.                 I am grateful that I got information piece by piece.   In hindsight I see how I was able to handle things 1 week at a time and brace for each appointment and phone call (see MY CANCER TIMELINE ).   I was surrounded by family and friends that held me up, literally and figuratively.   I was angry but I had to keep...

9/15/16 I found a lump in my left breast.   9/22/16 I had my first set of mammograms.   9/29/16 I had a biopsy of the lump and   tissue samples were sent to the lab.   10/4/16 I was told by my primary care doctor that I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma aka breast cancer .   10/6/16 I met with a doctor who would become my breast surgeon.     I also had genetic testing done as I have a family history of BRCA I gene mutation that I was not aware of until I shared my diagnosis with my family. *results- I am a BRCA I gene mutation carrier   10/13/16 I had a MRI on both breasts.   I also met with a doctor who would become my plastic surgeon.   10/19/16 I had a biopsy on an enlarged lymph node in my left axillary area that was found in the MRI.   A lump was found in my right breast in the MRI but could not be biopsied at that time because it could not be seen in an ultrasound...

It was a Thursday just like every other Thursday.   I went to the gym in the morning and I had just showered and was getting dressed in my room.   My hand brushed down my left breast, nonchalantly, just in the process of moving around and I felt a large lump.    What the hell is this??? How long has this been there??? How have I not felt this before???   This was not pimple sized bump; this was a LUMP for sure.   I didn’t have to press down to feel it; it was just there all on its own occupying space on my body, rent free.   I got that feeling…you know it.   When you almost trip but you catch yourself and even though you didn’t fall your body has already prepared for impact.   The reaction is a racing heart, your stomach drops and you get a cold sweat.   That is how I felt when I found my lump.                 I called my Mom, who suggested I g...