Sassy Sober Survivor

     I struggle with having down time.   It’s weird because my greatest wish used to be that someday I would become a lady of leisure.   These days when I have some free time I feel like I should be doing something.   Cleaning, reading, scrolling through Instagram…something!   I live in society where we are always multi-tasking.   Literally right now I’m writing this blog while watching The Force Awakens.   I find it very difficult do one thing at a time.      Right now my body needs rest.   I am still very fatigued and get tired fast.   I cannot go back to the go-go-go lifestyle I had and if I try I will suffer in the long run.   I know this intellectually but inside I feel guilty, like I’m doing something wrong by resting and taking it easy.   I know that I am not the only person that feels this way.   It is strange to be in this internal tug of war, wanting to do more and less at the same time.      Staying constantly occupied has saved me from becoming mentally overwhelmed

     I am cancer free and officially done with chemotherapy.   I am thrilled that it is over but oddly I feel aimless.   It has been a whirlwind of appointments, information and decisions.    I have powered through the pain, the fatigue and the emotional rollercoaster and now…it’s all over for a while.   I am aiming to have my reconstruction surgery in January 2018.   I need a break from the poking and prodding.      Even though it’s over for a bit, I still hurt.   I have joint and nerve pain.   I have a great deal of discomfort in my chest and my muscles are stiff.   I am uncomfortable in my skin.   I hurt and I’m tired and emotionally exhausted.       I want things to be the way they used to be.   I want to feel fit again.   I’m pissed that my eyebrows are falling out.   I’m sick of having a bald head and people staring at me.   My feet and hands hurt all the time.   I want to NOT HURT ANYMORE. Overall, I am angry that this happened to me.       I know that it is going to ta

man·age·a·ble  (măn′ĭ-jə-bəl) adj. Capable of being managed or controlled: manageable problems                 My cancer diagnosis and the following processes happened in manageable pieces.   Every week I was getting new information, so in between news I had time to digest.   An earthquake hit my life on October 4 2016 when I was diagnosed and every piece of news subsequently was like an aftershock; a tremor that rocked me but not as strong as the first big diagnosis.                 I am grateful that I got information piece by piece.   In hindsight I see how I was able to handle things 1 week at a time and brace for each appointment and phone call (see MY CANCER TIMELINE ).   I was surrounded by family and friends that held me up, literally and figuratively.   I was angry but I had to keep things in my life manageable.                   I keep coming back to that word, manageable.   It’s important to me to keep to a routine.   When I was younger I described myse

9/15/16 I found a lump in my left breast.   9/22/16 I had my first set of mammograms.   9/29/16 I had a biopsy of the lump and   tissue samples were sent to the lab.   10/4/16 I was told by my primary care doctor that I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma aka breast cancer .   10/6/16 I met with a doctor who would become my breast surgeon.     I also had genetic testing done as I have a family history of BRCA I gene mutation that I was not aware of until I shared my diagnosis with my family. *results- I am a BRCA I gene mutation carrier   10/13/16 I had a MRI on both breasts.   I also met with a doctor who would become my plastic surgeon.   10/19/16 I had a biopsy on an enlarged lymph node in my left axillary area that was found in the MRI.   A lump was found in my right breast in the MRI but could not be biopsied at that time because it could not be seen in an ultrasound. This was when I firmly decided on bilateral mastecto

It was a Thursday just like every other Thursday.   I went to the gym in the morning and I had just showered and was getting dressed in my room.   My hand brushed down my left breast, nonchalantly, just in the process of moving around and I felt a large lump.    What the hell is this??? How long has this been there??? How have I not felt this before???   This was not pimple sized bump; this was a LUMP for sure.   I didn’t have to press down to feel it; it was just there all on its own occupying space on my body, rent free.   I got that feeling…you know it.   When you almost trip but you catch yourself and even though you didn’t fall your body has already prepared for impact.   The reaction is a racing heart, your stomach drops and you get a cold sweat.   That is how I felt when I found my lump.                 I called my Mom, who suggested I go to the doctor and lovingly said it was probably nothing, maybe a cyst.   I went through the motions of getting myself out