Hurt

     I am cancer free and officially done with chemotherapy.  I am thrilled that it is over but oddly I feel aimless.  It has been a whirlwind of appointments, information and decisions.   I have powered through the pain, the fatigue and the emotional rollercoaster and now…it’s all over for a while.  I am aiming to have my reconstruction surgery in January 2018.  I need a break from the poking and prodding.

     Even though it’s over for a bit, I still hurt.  I have joint and nerve pain.  I have a great deal of discomfort in my chest and my muscles are stiff.  I am uncomfortable in my skin.  I hurt and I’m tired and emotionally exhausted.

      I want things to be the way they used to be.  I want to feel fit again.  I’m pissed that my eyebrows are falling out.  I’m sick of having a bald head and people staring at me.  My feet and hands hurt all the time.  I want to NOT HURT ANYMORE. Overall, I am angry that this happened to me.

      I know that it is going to take time for my body to bounce back.  I know that I am grieving the loss of my breasts.  I know a lot of stuff but sometimes I get lost in my own head.   Every time I get through a difficult part of this journey another mountain pops up to trek over.  I’m weary of being strong.

      The solution is to let God run the show.  I am going to let you, that’s right you who is reading this, be strong for me.  I am going to let all of your prayers lift me up.   I have had good luck with this method and I know it works.  When I micromanage my life it becomes more challenging and I’ve had enough challenging for a lifetime. 

      I hurt physically and emotionally.  This is the reality of going through cancer, surgery and treatment to save my life.  I have learned over the years that no feeling is final and I have faith that things will get better.  Not in my time but in Gods time.     

 

“As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.” We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.”
Alcoholics Anonymous pages 87-88