MANAGEABLE

man·age·a·ble

 (măn′ĭ-jə-bəl)

adj.

Capable of being managed or controlled: manageable problems

                My cancer diagnosis and the following processes happened in manageable pieces.  Every week I was getting new information, so in between news I had time to digest.  An earthquake hit my life on October 4 2016 when I was diagnosed and every piece of news subsequently was like an aftershock; a tremor that rocked me but not as strong as the first big diagnosis.

                I am grateful that I got information piece by piece.  In hindsight I see how I was able to handle things 1 week at a time and brace for each appointment and phone call (see MY CANCER TIMELINE).  I was surrounded by family and friends that held me up, literally and figuratively.  I was angry but I had to keep things in my life manageable. 

                I keep coming back to that word, manageable.  It’s important to me to keep to a routine.  When I was younger I described myself as a free bird, a rogue who flies by the seat of my pants!!  That is a lie I told myself to account for bad and erratic behavior.  As an adult in recovery routine gives me a feeling of safety and control.  When I veer too far off of my routine I feel unmanageable, unorganized and undisciplined.  That’s not to say that I am so inflexible that I can’t be spontaneous.  I just feel more comfortable when I am organized and have a plan.  Having cancer I knew that I was not in control of anything, even what is growing inside of my body.

                So what I did is I stuck to my routine.  I kept things in the day and stayed manageable.  I went to work as scheduled.  I went to my 12 step meetings and stayed spiritually connected.  I went to the gym and intentionally moved my body.  I told people how I was feeling and connected with other women who have been through cancer and are thriving today.

                Having cancer has humbled me greatly.  Things are different for me now than they were 6 months ago.  I am reevaluating my wants and needs on a regular basis.  Life is fluid and I’m going with the flow.  I believe I am less rigid that I used to be.  I still like my predictable days but I am learning that when God and the Universe gives me something that I feel is unmanageable, there is a lesson to be learned.  And God never gives me anything that I can’t handle.