Cancer Doesn't Have Me

It was a Thursday just like every other Thursday.  I went to the gym in the morning and I had just showered and was getting dressed in my room.  My hand brushed down my left breast, nonchalantly, just in the process of moving around and I felt a large lump.  

What the hell is this???

How long has this been there???

How have I not felt this before???

 This was not pimple sized bump; this was a LUMP for sure.  I didn’t have to press down to feel it; it was just there all on its own occupying space on my body, rent free.  I got that feeling…you know it.  When you almost trip but you catch yourself and even though you didn’t fall your body has already prepared for impact.  The reaction is a racing heart, your stomach drops and you get a cold sweat.  That is how I felt when I found my lump.

                I called my Mom, who suggested I go to the doctor and lovingly said it was probably nothing, maybe a cyst.  I went through the motions of getting myself out the door and driving to the walk-in clinic that is connected to my doctor’s office. On the inside I knew that this was not nothing.  This was SOMETHING and something serious to boot.  I had that feeling when you know something is off and I wanted answers.  The doctor at the walk-in expressed that the lump felt like a cyst but that I need to follow up with more tests. 

                I was referred to the Imaging Center where a week later I had an ultrasound and my first ever mammogram on both breasts.  The mammogram process actually popped the cystic lump and I went through another ultrasound and mammogram on the same day.  Needless to say it was a long, tiring and frightening process.  Frightening because I was alone and this round of tests was not telling me anything, except I need more tests.

                I was referred to have a biopsy of the lump in my left breast.  One week later I was in a room with two aides and a doctor having a biopsy. It was a painless procedure and I felt safe and well cared for.  These women made me comfortable during an awkward yet intimate process.  The doctor took a few tissue samples and aspirated fluid from the cystic lump.  The doctor said all results would be forwarded to my primary care doctor. 

                The following Monday I got a call from my doctor’s office asking me to come in to meet with her.  To me, when the doctor won’t tell you what’s going on over the phone, that means bad news.  So, 4 days after my biopsy I sat in the chilly office my PCP told me I have invasive ductal carcinoma.  All I knew is that means cancer.  I was in complete shock and I felt so far removed from my body, the room, even the planet.

How can I have cancer?!?!?!

I’m 32 years old.

I’m in the best shape of my adult life and I feel FINE!

                She was talking about referrals and surgeons and she looked up at me and asked me if I was okay.  Involuntarily I replied that I feel deeply that I am going to be okay.  Where did that come from?  That was God speaking to and through me.  This whole process I have been scared, angry, and anxious but I have always felt like all will be well.

                The first person I called was my AA sponsor.  Then I drove to Starbucks and got myself a venti pumpkin spice latte because cancer or not, I am still a fancy ass bitch.  The second person I called was my mother.  Then the real process began. 

                My cancer diagnosis literally changed my life overnight.  Fear, doubt and insecurity have been constant companions all my life but this was not like anything else. 

This is REAL.

This is SERIOUS.

This is beyond what I can deal with.  But for real, I have God, friends and a wonderful family that have carried me all my life so why should now be any different?

I have cancer but cancer does not have me.