Sassy Sober Survivor

I have been anxious and fighting off fear and panic that doesn’t belong to me.  When I feel like this I need to ask for help. Therapy and staying accountable with the Coven is helpful but I need the big guns right now.  Today I meditated and asked the most relevant of high realm guides to come in and give me guidance.  Quick back story... One of my spirit guides is a red parrot.  He came to me a few years ago in a deep meditation and let me fly with him on his back around the inner temple of my soul.  Deep right? Lol. But seriously that was a powerful experience for me and since then the parrot has shown himself to me over and over. I see him in magazines, TV, ads, and usually in pairs (something to think about re relationships, but I digress). Back to the regular scheduled story... In my mind I sat within the sky, all I could see was blue with white clouds all around me, there were no walls, just open to the world as it is. In comes my old pal the Parrot who rev

I was driving to a work thing today & listening to a podcast.  This man, a PhD in Archaeology, was speaking about his work documenting the journeys of migrants to the USA.  He gave the estimated number of people that die in the Sonoran Desert in Arizona trying desperately to leave Mexico and enter the US. I was overcome with shock, grief and despair. This big wide world we live in is a terrible place sometimes.  Innocent people die, the sick cannot get help, the hungry continue to go hungry and the rich keep getting richer. I started crying as I drove but quickly sucked it up and carried on. I was on my way to work and I didnt want to carry this low vibration energy into a massage event. This idea that the world is huge, scary and unforgiving crept in and out as the day went on.  But who wants to think of their neighborhood, city, state and country this way?? Certainly not me.  Yet, I do know frightening things happen all the time. I just cannot focus on it because if

I find myself using the words “good” and “bad” ALL THE TIME.  I especially struggle with pinpointing how I feel in the moment, so I reach for simple words.  I’m a writer, JFC, shouldn’t I be able to articulate my feelings or a situation with a plethora of words?!?!?  See, I just used a cool word, plethora.  In retrospect I am able to describe accurately and with lots of pizzaz.  I am working, in therapy and home practice, at processing my feelings and situations closer to the actual time of event.  I have spent much of my life powering through painful, difficult and even joyous occasions. My goal was to get through it instead of experiencing it.  I think that is one of the reasons it is so challenging for me to express how I feel, because I wasn’t living it when it happened.  I am committed to living here and now, yet I still grasp for the right words. My brain sees a lot of the world in “black-white-good-bad” etc.  It is difficult for me to live in the gray area and my pers

2019 was a wild year of death and rebirth in my life.  I released many old stifling beliefs and embraced abundance.   I quit my full time job, graduated massage school, moved off Cape back into my parents house, took a few months off to decompress, started therapy and took a part time job as a licensed massage therapist. WHEW!  I am still processing and integrating all the changes.  As I sit here on January 1st, I want to share with you some of the intentions I have set for powerful 2020. -Less is more When I believe in my worth, insist on receiving the true value of my skills and let things F L O W, overworking is not necessary.  It is possible to do less and receive more. -Patience I am patient, calm and grateful for the journey and the ultimate outcome. Instant gratification feels nice in the moment but it’s gone in a flash. 2020 is a time of patient energy.  I do not have to push, pull or manipulate.   -Prioritize I put my ideas and plans on pape

I love to have fun. I’m always goofing around, making dad jokes and bopping all over the place. It’s my nature to be this way. I enjoy smiling, laughing, mispronouncing words (on purpose) and making up songs. I like to imagine, experience and just be a kid.  I’m not like this all the time. I have serious moments, I get anxious and stressed about the small stuff and the big stuff. I pay my bills on time and get my oil changed etc. I am responsible AND the biggest kid in the class.  I’m the oldest of 2, 36 years old, I don’t have any children and there are no young kids in my immediate family. I am happy to fill the role of Kid in my family.  I chase my 30 yo sis in circles around the house. I’m annoying yet helpful(? LOL ?) to my parents. I like to hold hands with my Mom and ask her questions about her life before she was married. I yell dumb phrases, make up stories and E N J O Y life, just like a kid does.  When I see something cool or interesting I pause

When I was in active addiction I was a master at making decisions. Or so I thought.  All I had to do was think of ME and the choice was made. I concocted a plan where I did the least amount of work, benefited the most and was the clear winner.  It’s the way of an addict/alcoholic. Now in sobriety I think ALL. THE. TIME.  It’s overthinking really. Is this the right choice, should I do this, should I do that, what if it's the wrong color, what will ppl think, what do I think, am I hungry, what if I’m just hungry and I don't even want this thing/person/situation?   It’s truly mind boggling.  The thing is, our brains are constantly making choices all day long.  It’s what we do. Weigh the pros and cons in an instant and make the choice.  Some choices are harder than others and sometimes I make things harder than THEY NEED TO BE. I cant get out of my own fucking way sometimes.  I overthink and all of a sudden fear starts to creep in.  My mind wanders down dange