Sassy Sober Survivor

When I first started as a home health aide I had to become hospice trained. At one of the classes the instructor asked us to write down the most important thing in our lives. I wrote down freedom. The woman sitting next to me glanced at my paper and kind of smirked. She didn't get it. As a woman in recovery my world is open to so much… I am free from the bondage of drugs and alcohol. I am free to go anywhere in this world I want to. I am free to make as much money as I want. I am free to eat anything I want. I am free to sleep with many, or none. I am free to buy as much as my hearts desire. I can do anything, everything or nothing. With all this freedom comes many choices. By doing, saying or choosing something will I really be free? Or will I be bogged down by indecision, fear, worry or regret? I must choose my freedoms carefully and thoughtfully. I say to myself “Will this make me feel free?” This is my new gauge for decision making. Then I check my motives. Is th...

All winter my reflection was of a sick person. Very pale skin, dark circles under my eyes, bald head, no eyebrows, joint and nerve pain, fatigue…I was very sick. Chemotherapy was a difficult process and it was hard for me to accept that I was not well. I really disconnected from my reflection. I don't look in the mirror very closely for a few months. Inside I didn't feel like a “sick person”. I felt Nicole. I also didn't want to be reminded with every glance in the mirror of everything I was going through, so I just didn't look. I was washing my face and as I dried I took a long look into the mirror and I was surprised. I recognized the person looking back at me!! It was like seeing an old friend again. Hello friend! I finished my treatments mid April and I have been steadily feeling better every day. My hair is growing back including my eyebrows. My stamina has increased. I am strong enough to go to the gym a few times a week and I started Bikram yoga again. I ...

After 8 years without a drink I still have alcoholism and sometimes I believe what it tells me. My disease tells me that I don't need anyone. My disease tells me that I don't need to pray. My disease tells me that I don't need to go to meetings. My disease tells me that I am not good enough. My disease tells me that no one likes me, that I am ugly, that I'm fat, that I'll always be alone… My disease is a LIAR. My disease wants me isolated so I believe these lies. I have to work hard to hear the truth and the truth is My Light tells me I am smart and I am loved. The Universe tells me I am powerful and I am able. My God tells me I am worthy and that I am enough. This truth sets me free.

I have always thought my destiny was to become rich and famous. Adding to that I always thought I'd win the lottery and become a lady of leisure. You know the type, a woman who lunches, gets manicures every week and doesn't have to work. I was a lazy person and a lazy thinker and that's the best I could come up with at the time. Much of my adult life was spend in full flight from reality and having a closed mind. In my early 20's I literally thought I knew it all and had accepted a subpar life. I was humbled by my alcoholism and when I got sober is when my thinking started to change. My mind truly became open to listening to and implementing spiritual ideals. Today I believe in God and everlasting energy. I have felt both during quiet times of meditation. I feel close to God when my gratitude is strong. When I am in need of comfort I only have to ask and that brings me closer to my higher power. In the past few years the idea of my destiny has changed. I believ...

Last Tuesday I attended the funeral of my uncle, Rupert Wilmoth. He leaves behind a beautiful son to carry on his memory and the Wilmoth name. Since I've been sober I have been to 3 family member funerals. There have also been a number of people that I have met and loved in the 12 step program that have died. I am also a home health aide which means I care for the elderly. I care for all different kinds of people and because of the line of work I'm in my clients are old and sickly. Some of my most favorite people in the world I have met through my job and they have passed away. During the year at one point or another I am in mourning. Be it a family member, a friend or a patient. It is sad but a regular part of my life. I have developed a thick skin and sometimes it takes months for me to fully realize how much death truly effects me. It can be difficult to remain grateful for my wonderful life when the people I love are not here to live it with me. The way I mourn is ...

Photo by Michael Rose Photography Makeup by Angelina Corrado

Picture this... It's 2012, I'm on a first date and every reflective surface I pass I check my hair and my clothes. To my defense I did get my hair done that day and hey, I'm in a first date!! To my date it looks like I am conceited. Fast forward a few months...that man is now my boyfriend and again, I am checking my reflection ALL.THE.TIME. I care about what I look like but I am not the type to constantly admire myself. I cannot remember the exact conversation but the gist was that he thought I was vain because I spent most of our first date looking at myself instead of him. I check my reflection out of PARANOIA not vanity. In my mind I am always thinking about what I look like to others. How's my hair? Are my clothes draping just right to cover my many rolls? Do my accessories look okay? How are my eyebrow?!? I'm insecure. As a fat woman in a skinny world I know I am looked at and judged. I have always tried to "dress for my size" and look classy....