Sassy Sober Survivor

Photo by Michael Rose Photography Makeup by Angelina Corrado

Picture this... It's 2012, I'm on a first date and every reflective surface I pass I check my hair and my clothes. To my defense I did get my hair done that day and hey, I'm in a first date!! To my date it looks like I am conceited. Fast forward a few months...that man is now my boyfriend and again, I am checking my reflection ALL.THE.TIME. I care about what I look like but I am not the type to constantly admire myself. I cannot remember the exact conversation but the gist was that he thought I was vain because I spent most of our first date looking at myself instead of him. I check my reflection out of PARANOIA not vanity. In my mind I am always thinking about what I look like to others. How's my hair? Are my clothes draping just right to cover my many rolls? Do my accessories look okay? How are my eyebrow?!? I'm insecure. As a fat woman in a skinny world I know I am looked at and judged. I have always tried to "dress for my size" and look classy.

During my alone time I tend to think on the negative side. I list all the things that I have done wrong, where I have made mistakes and how I am not good enough. When I am around others I tend to be positive. I keep my thinking on the bright side, consider all the amazing things I have done and am hopeful about my future. These polar opposites are difficult places to be. When the pendulum swings too far to the negative I feel like I am stuck in a hole that I will never get out if. If I sway too far in the other direction I forget the tough times and spend too much, eat too much etc. because I cannot see where I need improvement. It is difficult to remember the past, keep today in focus but plan for the future…how can I do it all? I strive to find a balance between the two and part of the balance for me is having gratitude. I try to be actively thankful to the people that support me by keeping in touch with them. A phone call or text goes a long way in showing that

I have the disease of “more”.   Whatever makes me feel good I want more and more and more of it.   As a child I used food, toys, attention and affection to feel good about myself and as a teen and young adult I used drugs and alcohol.   Now in sobriety I struggle again with food.   I am an eater.   I am a binge eater and compulsive overeater.    I eat when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I don’t feel well, when I’m lonely, I eat in celebration and I eat out of boredom.   I have been this way all my life.   I got sober in 2009 and over 5 years I gained 65 pounds.   I was tired all the time, always trying to radically modify my food intake and failing miserably at controlling my eating.     The only coping skill and comfort I had was eating.   My solution was to get weight loss surgery.   I completed all the requirements and 6 months later in June 2014 I had vertical sleeve gastrectomy.   In 1 year I lost 80 pounds and felt better than ever.   Over the following years I becam

Life is a journey full of ups, downs and everything in between.   Most of us have experienced things like    balancing family, having a career, school, financial issues, periodic failures, goal setting and realizing dreams.   For me, sometimes I get such tunnel vision that I stop enjoying the journey of my life and only focus on the goal.   I stop trying new things because I get stuck in the mundane.   As time goes by and things happen and priorities shift and the journey changes.   This has been true for me in the past few years.   I have been stuck.     Getting sober in 2009 helped me take stock in my life at that time.   Drugs and alcohol no longer served me and I was able to put them down with the help of a treatment center and a 12 step program.   Sobriety gave me a foundation to stand on to begin to make good choices.   My cancer diagnosis made me take a closer look at my life.   Am I happy?   Like really happy?   Am I living in today or in the future?