👻GHOST👻
*art credit below
Autumn is here so let's chat about something spooky…
GHOSTING.
I’m going to talk about ghosting and dating because that is where I have personal experience. All ages, genders and orientations engage in this behavior and it is not exclusive to any one group. There are other types of ghosting like friend ghosting and ghosting due to abusive or toxic relationships but I want to exclusively speak about the dating/hookup kind.
Urban Dictionary defines this action as the following:
Ghosting
-The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date.
-This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just "get the hint" and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested.
-Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject's maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.
example:
Carmen: How was your second date with Kyle?
Beth: I thought it went well, but I've texted him a couple of times since then and he's been ghosting me.
Here’s the thing...dating in 2019 is insane. Uploading the “perfect” pics, writing about yourself in a way that is true but shines the light on all the good qualities, proximity, age, screening for creepers and the list goes on. Am I here for love or a hookup, what do I even want from this?!?!? GAAAHHHH! This shit is hard.
I meet someone...we start texting, maybe a little sexting, maybe even chatting on the phone and then out of the blue
POOF...Another one bites the dust.
Where did you go? What’s your problem? You should be GRATEFUL that I even shared my VALUABLE TIME with you in ANY CAPACITY!
Then the fear starts creeping in. What did I do? I’m not good enough, I’m not pretty enough, I knew this was a mistake, obviously I’ll never find anyone, ugh, I’ll always be alone. What’s even the point?? Add in another layer, if I slept with this man (in my case it’s a man, insert the pronoun of your chosen partner) and then he ghosts me….WHAT. THE. FAAAHHHHKKKKK! I’m in a funk for days. I tell myself it doesn’t matter, that he doesnt deserve me anyway...but in my mind it always circles back to the problem being ME.
But friends, can we peek behind the curtain of the other person in this situation for a minute puh-lease? What in the actual fuck!! I don’t understand how they can get involved sexually/emotionally/whatever, then disappear! I’m all for open communication. If we are here to just chat, sext, even a one night stand, FINE! JUST SAY SO! Then I can make a choice that suits my needs. When they put in their profile “Looking for a relationship” but really mean “Sext/fuck/emotionally hijack/gaslight/ghost” is where the problem lies.
Do they get off on ghosting? Do they not realize what this does to another person? Are they a sick motherfucker? Mentally, physically, spiritually? Or are they hurt people hurting people? It’s a real mystery to me.
The last time I was seriously ghosted it was 2018 and I was chatting with a man who lives in CT. Texting all the time, talking on the phone, sexting, the whole 9. Maybe we were chatting for 2 weeks or so and had plans to meet. He said all the right things, we had a lot in common and were both looking for a long term relationship, or so I thought. I was emotionally invested because when I am in I am ALL IN.
Full disclosure, I was coming off my first HOT GIRL SUMMER before hot girl summer was a term. I was a real ho’ fo’ sho’. I was on tinder, bumble, ALL the apps. I was running away from my real feelings re cancer, surgery, God...but that's another story altogether. Overall this type of "dating" was not good for my mental health and it really took over all my time. I knew I should delete my apps but I decided to give it one last shot w this dude from CT.
It was a Friday and we were scheduled to meet on the following Wednesday. He hadn’t sent his good morning text so I called him and it went straight to voicemail...he blocked my phone number...he blocked me on Facebook...and blocked me on the app where we met. Nothing was different from the day before, no arguments and we left off texting the night before as usual.
I was devastated. It was a combination of the whole summer and now this situation where I felt there was real potential that fucked me up. I was at work, crying on the phone to Corrine, breaking down and I had to hold it together. It fucking sucked. I still cannot figure out what his endgame was. It’s none of my business really. What is my business is to look at myself, what my intentions were and how I played a role in this shenanigan extravaganza.
I just want to be loved. I was settling for less out of fear, fear that I’ll always be alone. Fear that I will never be loved. Fear that I am unworthy of love. Angelina gently reminded me that fear of being ghosted is really fear of abandonment. This is common for many of us and ghosting brings it to the surface. Deep rooted fears were triggered. Even though I did play a role I don’t deserve to be ghosted or purposely hurt!!!
So what do I do with these experiences? To the best of my ability I don’t repeat the pattern, that’s what. I’ve entered the dating pool again and I’m doing things differently. Let’s be real, I am only human and I’m bound to make mistakes. I’ve already been ghosted once so far --eye roll emoji--, but let me tell you about a decent experience I have had.
I chatted with a man from POF for a week. He was nice, common interests and we are both looking for similar things in a partner and life goals. He didn’t bombard me with sexting and he was refreshingly appropriate. A genuinely nice guy. We did have a conversation about what happens if we meet and do not vibe with each other. I said that if that happens, we can just say so and there won’t be any hard feelings. I am not for everyone and it is okay to say, with respect, that one of us isn’t interested anymore.
We had a wonderful day date and spend a few energetic hours at his place. Was it a good idea to sleep with him upon first meeting...prob no but wtf, I’m an independent woman with the freedom to have sex whenever and with whomever I want. And yes, I do see that I am repeating patterns of the past like moving quickly but hey, I’m doing the best I can.
The next day rolls around and I sent a hello text and it’s crickets. Yikes, here we go again. But he did text me later that day and let me know that he spent the day thinking and he is not ready for a relationship. I knew ahead of time he was getting out of a long term relationship and he was pretty new to dating again. He said that our encounter let him know that he has work to do on himself and his mental health. It was so heartfelt and I didn’t feel any bad energy from him, our time together or this gentle message.
THANK YOU SIR!! I appreciate honesty, the transparency of his situation and his communication skills. I don’t regret what happened and I feel satisfied with the ending. All because we both were open to talking, listening to one another and being truthful.
He told me he wasn’t interested, the reasons why and now there are no hard feelings! I wish him the best and at the end it I had a wonderful day with a nice man and neither of us are hurt. It only takes some honesty and tact to end something amicably. As long as both (or however many) parties are on the same page and truthful with needs, wants and changes to the current situation all can end **reasonably well. What a revelation!
**I do realize that there are many complicating factors and some people are mentally ill, unstable, manipulative, toxic etc
The difference from 2018 dating and 2019 dating is that I am committed to being honest with what I want and need in a relationship. This means disclosing everything I think is important which there is LOTS, my expectations of myself and my partner, and having respectful conversations. I can get salty with the best of them but I choose to speak my truth with clarity, dignity and courtesy from the beginning.
Bottom line -
Don’t ghost. It is hurtful, mean spirited and overall shitty. Take a look at what’s calling the shots in your life. Is it fear, resentment, selfishness? Where can you make a change to have the relationships/sex/friendships you want?
*art credit
This art was made by Spunk Rock and displayed w permission.
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